Musings on Change, the Holy Spirit, and Inspiration on the Web

THIS:

“Going back to the old isn’t the answer” -Kacie

Source: I Don’t Want To Be Whatever I Want To Be

I love it when I read something, and it makes me say, “finally, someone who understands what I’m feeling right now.”

It means I am not alone.

A lot of the time lately, I feel completely alone.

There are a lot of things changing for me, and I’m mourning the end of a season in my life.

They say you have to grieve.

Grieving sucks.

I remember a time, when I believe the Holy Spirit was with me. WITH ME. As in, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and it gave me this feeling…. of the uttermost peace. Peace like I have never felt before.

You may think that I am crazy, or that I was just on drugs (I wasn’t). Or that maybe I’m just mentally unstable, to feel something vague like a “presence” of the “Holy Spirit”.

You may think one, or all, of these things. But the truth is, I don’t really care what you think.

I would, however, in my current time of turmoil, very much like to feel that presence in my life again.

It seems that the more I try to get back to that place, that feeling, the more elusive it becomes. Sometimes I wonder if I imagined the entire thing. (Now, you say, obviously she is crazy).

At that time in my life, I was going through some difficult things. I had just broken up with my college boyfriend, who I had dated for three years. It came down to the question, are we going to get married? I had come back to God, and was going back to church, and he was not interested in that. I realized that I couldn’t marry him, and that was the beginning of the end of that. Even though I was terrified, and he was my best friend, I knew I was doing the right thing.

Now, I have one of my best friends moving to the Midwest, and I am grieving that. I have this feeling of abandonment, even though I know that’s not really what’s happening. I also feel selfish for feeling that way, when I know it has been hard for her to give up her life here for something totally different.

I am giving up the idea that I may ever have a job that I enjoy, and will be able to support myself (because, you know, why don’t I just get married already?) (a suggestion from people at work).

I question whether or not God has a plan for me that involves anything other than pain. Because that is what I’m dealing with now. I have been looking for another job for almost 8 months now, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening for me.

I am grieving the person that I thought I was, because I’m not where I thought I would be by now.

I went to get my Christmas decorations from my ex’s house (they were in his attic). It made me sad to think that we had made all of these plans together, and that none of it worked out that way. I grieve the loss of that friendship, and the companionship I had with him.

Just lots of sadness. And lots of crying. I’m a crier. I have always been a crier. Whenever I have any strong emotion (even anger) I cry. The friend that’s moving likes to remind me, “tears are healing for the soul.” It’s a good thing to remember in a society that hates tears and showing emotion, especially women who show emotion.

Plans seldom work out the way we think that they will. God probably is up there just giggling at how we think we are in control, when in reality none of us have much control over anything.

I keep wanting to get back to that place, where I felt comfort, and peace.

I can’t seem to get there.

It’s the most frustrating thing.

It seems like God is just out of reach, always another arm’s length away from me.

 

 

The Winter Blues

I’ve been exhausted lately.

Exhausted as in, “go to bed at 8:45pm on a Friday night” exhausted (and sleep straight through the night and wake up at 7:00am the next morning).

It comes with the weather…. the darkness…. the gray sky.

I want to sleep earlier, and sleep in later. I want to come home after work, and not go out again (into the dark). I want to snuggle on the couch under piles of quilts, and curl up with a good book (currently reading “Interrupted” by Jen Hatmaker and some eschatology books that are over my head for the most part, but fascinating just the same).

I don’t want to go to work. (Does anyone ever want to go to work? If so, who are these people? What do they do? How can I be like them?)

I have moved into my new cubicle. It’s very small. I wish I still had an office, so I could play my music without people judging me for my choices. I brought my artwork home as I have nowhere to hang it anymore.

I recently met a girl at church, who I seem to have a lot in common with. She had talked openly about her struggles with depression, which made me feel at ease immediately. We talked about how I’m looking to make some changes in my career path and am wanting to go in a different direction and she said she would keep an ear out for anything.

I ran into her the other day in the parking lot of the grocery store, and she hadn’t gotten back to me about some job connections she had…. and moral of the story is I have a coffee meeting with one of her connections this week. So…… fingers crossed! I know people don’t like to hire around the holidays, so I’m a little concerned about that.  All I can do is keep trying.

My Mom asked me the other day, “Are you trying to fix the problem, or are you letting God fix it?”

Valid question. However, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not going to be me that’s going to make this happen. I’ve been trying to do all I can for months and nothing has happened. God will need to open some doors in order to make this happen. Maybe He just doesn’t want to right now. And that just… really sucks.

Sometimes I just get angry about that part.

Seriously, what are you waiting for??? (Yes, I tend to have casual, daily conversations with God. I believe he knows me so well that he can handle my informal style). I mean, He did design me.

So I continue to try and have patience (not something I excel at) and take it one day at a time. And I’m reading a lot. Distractions are helpful too.

Here’s to distractions and Thanksgiving (or Friendsgiving if you’re like me) and hopefully some extra rest (it seems like I need it).

 

Spiraling

I almost quit my job this week.

Have you ever had a day, or even a moment, where you have thought to yourself, “I just can’t do this anymore.” Or how about, “I deserve to be treated better than this.”

Or my favorite, “I didn’t go to college so I could do THIS.”

Lately, I feel completely hopeless in my job hunt. Last time I was looking for a job, I was in Michigan (which had crazy high unemployment going on) and it took me an entire year. In the meantime, I’m lucky I had a job (a job that crushed my soul, but paid the bills)…..

I feel it coming back. The soul crushing.

When someone in upper management grabs your braid, pulls on it as he walks by, and says, “Hey baby”, it’s not okay.

I don’t care what industry you’re in, or how old he is, or even if he doesn’t mean to be creepy when he says it.

It’s still not okay.

The fact that this is a daily occurrence in my life, makes me want to cringe, and hit something, and cry….. and drop some expletives all at the same time.

I work in a culture where women are treated differently all of the time. They moved me from an office, to another office, to a smaller office, to a cubicle. I have boxes of files piled up around me, and the fact that I do stuff with payroll and employee files does not seem to matter because a man needs that office and I am a woman. I didn’t think the move would feel….. so insulting. But it did, and it still does. It’s just one of the many straws that have been piling up.

I’m a woman, in a place where women are dispensable. I know that they do this: they hire someone who works there for years, and then when she makes a certain salary, they “eliminate the position” and then hire someone with no experience so they can hire them at $12.00/hr. There is no loyalty, no consideration, and no care if you are a woman.

These are the times that I miss the Midwest.

I also know that if I said anything, it would not make a difference. Because he is untouchable, and a person of great power within the company. I know because it is this culture of sexism that is pervasive, and encouraged by the people at the top. They do not believe there is anything wrong with this thinking, and it will never change.

I could not even tell you the numerous inappropriate things I hear regularly. There are so many I can’t even count them all.

One time, I wore red lipstick to work, and that was a horrible mistake (cue bad jokes about oral sex and candy canes). I have not worn it since.

I am trying to remember to be grateful: I live in America, where I have the right to drive, and vote, and have a job.

Sometimes it’s hard to be grateful.

If I were a man, I would be making at least $5k more a year for doing the same job.

I’ve had people at work tell me I should, “just get married.”

As if it were that easy. As if I do not wish that I could find a Godly-driven man to love me in my brokenness, and me in his…. as if I do not pray to find a partner in life…. these are things I want.

God knows the desires of my heart. I dated a man here for over 2 years. I thought we were going to be married, start a family, etc….. It didn’t work out. I grieved this loss deeply. I grieved the fact that I no longer had a future with this man, whom I loved.

Some days I feel I am still grieving.

Life is complicated. The older I get, the easier it is to see that nothing is easy. Counting on God and trusting Him gets harder and harder when you don’t see what His plan is.

When you don’t understand the plan it is hard to see past the pain.

With all of the terrorism and horrible things that are happening in our world currently, I feel it is even more important to cling to God.

Consequently, I feel it is becoming more difficult to cling to Him when I’m so frustrated and angry about His plan for my life.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you”

                                                                                        –Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

In the meantime, all I can do is keep applying for other jobs, and keep taking it one day at a time. I don’t know why God is not allowing any other doors to open for me right now. I’m angry, and annoyed, and sure that He could get me another job tomorrow if He wanted to. And there’s the crux: if He wanted to. How do I know….. how can I understand, what His plan is? I can’t at all and it’s infuriating. It’s making me question that He loves me. It’s making me question everything.

Prayers are appreciated as I try to hold onto the good.