Musings on Change, the Holy Spirit, and Inspiration on the Web


“Going back to the old isn’t the answer” -Kacie

Source: I Don’t Want To Be Whatever I Want To Be

I love it when I read something, and it makes me say, “finally, someone who understands what I’m feeling right now.”

It means I am not alone.

A lot of the time lately, I feel completely alone.

There are a lot of things changing for me, and I’m mourning the end of a season in my life.

They say you have to grieve.

Grieving sucks.

I remember a time, when I believe the Holy Spirit was with me. WITH ME. As in, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and it gave me this feeling…. of the uttermost peace. Peace like I have never felt before.

You may think that I am crazy, or that I was just on drugs (I wasn’t). Or that maybe I’m just mentally unstable, to feel something vague like a “presence” of the “Holy Spirit”.

You may think one, or all, of these things. But the truth is, I don’t really care what you think.

I would, however, in my current time of turmoil, very much like to feel that presence in my life again.

It seems that the more I try to get back to that place, that feeling, the more elusive it becomes. Sometimes I wonder if I imagined the entire thing. (Now, you say, obviously she is crazy).

At that time in my life, I was going through some difficult things. I had just broken up with my college boyfriend, who I had dated for three years. It came down to the question, are we going to get married? I had come back to God, and was going back to church, and he was not interested in that. I realized that I couldn’t marry him, and that was the beginning of the end of that. Even though I was terrified, and he was my best friend, I knew I was doing the right thing.

Now, I have one of my best friends moving to the Midwest, and I am grieving that. I have this feeling of abandonment, even though I know that’s not really what’s happening. I also feel selfish for feeling that way, when I know it has been hard for her to give up her life here for something totally different.

I am giving up the idea that I may ever have a job that I enjoy, and will be able to support myself (because, you know, why don’t I just get married already?) (a suggestion from people at work).

I question whether or not God has a plan for me that involves anything other than pain. Because that is what I’m dealing with now. I have been looking for another job for almost 8 months now, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening for me.

I am grieving the person that I thought I was, because I’m not where I thought I would be by now.

I went to get my Christmas decorations from my ex’s house (they were in his attic). It made me sad to think that we had made all of these plans together, and that none of it worked out that way. I grieve the loss of that friendship, and the companionship I had with him.

Just lots of sadness. And lots of crying. I’m a crier. I have always been a crier. Whenever I have any strong emotion (even anger) I cry. The friend that’s moving likes to remind me, “tears are healing for the soul.” It’s a good thing to remember in a society that hates tears and showing emotion, especially women who show emotion.

Plans seldom work out the way we think that they will. God probably is up there just giggling at how we think we are in control, when in reality none of us have much control over anything.

I keep wanting to get back to that place, where I felt comfort, and peace.

I can’t seem to get there.

It’s the most frustrating thing.

It seems like God is just out of reach, always another arm’s length away from me.




The Winter Blues

I’ve been exhausted lately.

Exhausted as in, “go to bed at 8:45pm on a Friday night” exhausted (and sleep straight through the night and wake up at 7:00am the next morning).

It comes with the weather…. the darkness…. the gray sky.

I want to sleep earlier, and sleep in later. I want to come home after work, and not go out again (into the dark). I want to snuggle on the couch under piles of quilts, and curl up with a good book (currently reading “Interrupted” by Jen Hatmaker and some eschatology books that are over my head for the most part, but fascinating just the same).

I don’t want to go to work. (Does anyone ever want to go to work? If so, who are these people? What do they do? How can I be like them?)

I have moved into my new cubicle. It’s very small. I wish I still had an office, so I could play my music without people judging me for my choices. I brought my artwork home as I have nowhere to hang it anymore.

I recently met a girl at church, who I seem to have a lot in common with. She had talked openly about her struggles with depression, which made me feel at ease immediately. We talked about how I’m looking to make some changes in my career path and am wanting to go in a different direction and she said she would keep an ear out for anything.

I ran into her the other day in the parking lot of the grocery store, and she hadn’t gotten back to me about some job connections she had…. and moral of the story is I have a coffee meeting with one of her connections this week. So…… fingers crossed! I know people don’t like to hire around the holidays, so I’m a little concerned about that.  All I can do is keep trying.

My Mom asked me the other day, “Are you trying to fix the problem, or are you letting God fix it?”

Valid question. However, it’s pretty obvious that it’s not going to be me that’s going to make this happen. I’ve been trying to do all I can for months and nothing has happened. God will need to open some doors in order to make this happen. Maybe He just doesn’t want to right now. And that just… really sucks.

Sometimes I just get angry about that part.

Seriously, what are you waiting for??? (Yes, I tend to have casual, daily conversations with God. I believe he knows me so well that he can handle my informal style). I mean, He did design me.

So I continue to try and have patience (not something I excel at) and take it one day at a time. And I’m reading a lot. Distractions are helpful too.

Here’s to distractions and Thanksgiving (or Friendsgiving if you’re like me) and hopefully some extra rest (it seems like I need it).


Praying With Strangers

Last week I had strangers ask if I wanted to join them in prayer. It surprised me. I had a really strange and emotional day.

I started out at church at 8:30am to attend a talk by Ray Ortlund, a Pastor and author from Nashville, TN. We had been using his book, “When God Comes to Church” this past summer to go with the sermon series. I have not read the entire book, but I have read about half of it. The book is about revival. It’s not a topic I had every really thought about it to be honest. His talk was really interesting and we had the band worshipping at the end of his talk. They mentioned that if you needed prayer you could go and talk to one of the pastors. I was a little embarrassed, but felt like I should do that. I was getting emotional thinking about my current work situation.

I feel so stuck.

I moved to NC for a specific job. I had never been here and did not know a single person when I moved here. I didn’t realize how different the culture would be from Michigan.

I’ve lived here now for about 2 and ½ years, and I still feel like I don’t belong. The one thing that has helped was getting involved in a Community Group at church. We meet every Wednesday evening and talk about the previous week’s sermon and our lives. It’s a safe place to not be okay. And everyone needs that. For the last couple of months, with trying to find a new job, I have been feeling more hopeless and depressed than I have in a very long time. Everyone keeps telling me that God has me where He wants me, and that I just need to be patient.

Patience is not something that I am good at.

I keep trying to lean on God, and am praying a lot, but some day are just harder than others. I miss my parents, and my friends back in Michigan.

I went to Barnes and Noble for the afternoon, because it was raining here (again) and spent about four hours there just browsing. I sat down in one of the empty chairs and three people were sitting there, talking in Spanish. The one guy introduced himself, and so I introduced myself too. My Spanish is alright, but by no means fluent. So I didn’t follow everything that they were saying. Who am I kidding, I didn’t understand…. Barely any of it! But I noticed that he had CS Lewis’ “Mere Christianity” on the table with his notebook. The other gentleman said he was a Pastor, so of course I asked about the church. I had heard of it, but never been. I told them where I went and we chatted pleasantly for a couple of minutes. I went back to my reading and thought that was the end of it. Later, when they were about to leave, they asked me if I wanted to pray with them.

I thought that it was nice of them to ask. They prayed in Spanish first, which I didn’t understand, but then he started in English, and they prayed for me. And it was just beautiful thing that made me feel so much better…. Just the fact that these people, who don’t know me, were willing to do that for me.

It made my heart hurt a little less. And that was just what I needed at that moment.