Awkward First Dates

First dates are awkward. But they can be even more awkward if you’re not sure if you’re even on a date.

Guys, I implore you to make it clear to a woman you are interested in that you are taking her on a date.

You are not “hanging out”.

That is the most frustrating thing in the world. I feel like guys won’t risk even asking women out in a clear manner anymore.

I get it: rejection sucks. No one wants to ask anyone out because no one wants to be rejected. And yet, if you never go on dates, it will be hard to find a person who wants to be in a relationship (if that’s even what you want). (Also, if that’s not what you want, that’s totally okay too. Just ignore this post).

I recently went on a date (apparently it was a date, I found out later, I wasn’t clear on that when it occurred) that I thought went really well. I expected him to ask me out again. And then I never heard from him. Which was super awkward, since I’ve known him for like a year and we hang out in the same friend-group. So then I’m wondering, “well gosh, maybe I’m the only one that had a good time, he obviously wasn’t into it like I was!” and that’s when the rejection sinks in.

And it makes you feel like you’re not good enough.

The older I get, the more I realize how little the physical stuff matters and how much more important it is to find someone who is rooted in Christ. When you really get to know someone, the physical stuff tends to fall away anyway. Or at least in my experience, people become more attractive to you when you fall in love with them.

I want to find someone to love for the rest of my life (and I hope that I will live a long one). This means that I want to really know the person before I go and get married. My parents have been married over 35 years, and they seem to just be more in love as time goes on. That is what I want.

I don’t want to be anyone’s “starter wife”. I don’t want divorce to ever be an option. I want to find a partner to go through this crazy life with that will love me furiously, as I will him. We will both be broken, and flawed, because we are only human. But that’s where the importance of a relationship with God comes in.

I had a great first date last night. However, we have not had a serious religion talk yet, so I’m nervous/anxious about that. I don’t want to like someone too much and find out he is not on the same page as me when it comes to that stuff. I don’t want the heartache (again) of falling in love with someone who doesn’t believe the same things I do– and I’m not saying I need to find someone who agrees with everything I do on every subject.


The entire situation with my ex-boyfriend is made fraught with the fact that I still him regularly (he works at the same company). Don’t worry, I’ll never make that mistake again…. I tried to say no the first couple of times he asked me out, but I finally gave in. Then we ended up dating for over two years. If we had gotten married like I thought we were going to, it would have made for a lovely story. But that’s not what happened.

After that experience, I know that I won’t ever leave the awkward Jesus conversations until after I’ve fallen for a guy. Some questions I’ve decided that I would like to talk about when talking to a single guy:

  • Does he go to church? Or if he doesn’t have a current church, is he willing to check out yours? Are you on the same page in regards to attendance and serving? (For instance, I’m also involved in a weekly community group and volunteer in the nursery). Is he on the same page as you?
  • Does he believe that Jesus is the son of God and that he died on the cross for our sins?
  • Is he willing to lead in your relationship? Will he pray with you, and for you?

All things I now consider very important when trying to find a Godly man. The ending of my last serious relationship really damaged my confidence and eroded my self-esteem.

I felt like I couldn’t trust my judgement anymore regarding men (I was so sure I was going to marry him, I just KNEW it. He was “the one” and that was all there was to it.)

Of course, that’s not what happened at all. Because real life is not a hallmark movie. Real life is not black and white, it’s all gray. Real life involves humans who end up disappointing and hurting us (even when they’re trying not to).

And it took me getting hurt multiple times to realize that just because people love each other, that does NOT mean that those people should automatically get married and have kids. Sometimes it doesn’t work out, even when you care for someone. Sometimes, it takes buckets of tears and months for you to feel semi-normal again.

I’m just extremely grateful to God that I was able to have a very enjoyable first date experience. It was refreshing and it gave me a little hope for the future (that I will not be alone forever).

Here’s to hoping.



I almost quit my job this week.

Have you ever had a day, or even a moment, where you have thought to yourself, “I just can’t do this anymore.” Or how about, “I deserve to be treated better than this.”

Or my favorite, “I didn’t go to college so I could do THIS.”

Lately, I feel completely hopeless in my job hunt. Last time I was looking for a job, I was in Michigan (which had crazy high unemployment going on) and it took me an entire year. In the meantime, I’m lucky I had a job (a job that crushed my soul, but paid the bills)…..

I feel it coming back. The soul crushing.

When someone in upper management grabs your braid, pulls on it as he walks by, and says, “Hey baby”, it’s not okay.

I don’t care what industry you’re in, or how old he is, or even if he doesn’t mean to be creepy when he says it.

It’s still not okay.

The fact that this is a daily occurrence in my life, makes me want to cringe, and hit something, and cry….. and drop some expletives all at the same time.

I work in a culture where women are treated differently all of the time. They moved me from an office, to another office, to a smaller office, to a cubicle. I have boxes of files piled up around me, and the fact that I do stuff with payroll and employee files does not seem to matter because a man needs that office and I am a woman. I didn’t think the move would feel….. so insulting. But it did, and it still does. It’s just one of the many straws that have been piling up.

I’m a woman, in a place where women are dispensable. I know that they do this: they hire someone who works there for years, and then when she makes a certain salary, they “eliminate the position” and then hire someone with no experience so they can hire them at $12.00/hr. There is no loyalty, no consideration, and no care if you are a woman.

These are the times that I miss the Midwest.

I also know that if I said anything, it would not make a difference. Because he is untouchable, and a person of great power within the company. I know because it is this culture of sexism that is pervasive, and encouraged by the people at the top. They do not believe there is anything wrong with this thinking, and it will never change.

I could not even tell you the numerous inappropriate things I hear regularly. There are so many I can’t even count them all.

One time, I wore red lipstick to work, and that was a horrible mistake (cue bad jokes about oral sex and candy canes). I have not worn it since.

I am trying to remember to be grateful: I live in America, where I have the right to drive, and vote, and have a job.

Sometimes it’s hard to be grateful.

If I were a man, I would be making at least $5k more a year for doing the same job.

I’ve had people at work tell me I should, “just get married.”

As if it were that easy. As if I do not wish that I could find a Godly-driven man to love me in my brokenness, and me in his…. as if I do not pray to find a partner in life…. these are things I want.

God knows the desires of my heart. I dated a man here for over 2 years. I thought we were going to be married, start a family, etc….. It didn’t work out. I grieved this loss deeply. I grieved the fact that I no longer had a future with this man, whom I loved.

Some days I feel I am still grieving.

Life is complicated. The older I get, the easier it is to see that nothing is easy. Counting on God and trusting Him gets harder and harder when you don’t see what His plan is.

When you don’t understand the plan it is hard to see past the pain.

With all of the terrorism and horrible things that are happening in our world currently, I feel it is even more important to cling to God.

Consequently, I feel it is becoming more difficult to cling to Him when I’m so frustrated and angry about His plan for my life.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you”

                                                                                        –Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

In the meantime, all I can do is keep applying for other jobs, and keep taking it one day at a time. I don’t know why God is not allowing any other doors to open for me right now. I’m angry, and annoyed, and sure that He could get me another job tomorrow if He wanted to. And there’s the crux: if He wanted to. How do I know….. how can I understand, what His plan is? I can’t at all and it’s infuriating. It’s making me question that He loves me. It’s making me question everything.

Prayers are appreciated as I try to hold onto the good.









Dating Sucks

I’m just going to say it: dating really sucks.

Dating when you’re a Christian seems to be even more difficult. People don’t get it; they don’t get why you have certain ideas about what should or should not happen on a date, or what the big deal is about sex, or a man pursuing a woman…..

“Your idea of dating is antiquated”, they say.

“Get real…. No man is going to be okay with not sleeping with you”.

To be honest, I’m getting sick of answering questions about my dating life (or lack thereof) because I’m sick of seeing people’s reactions. I can tell when they think I’m being ridiculous (even if they don’t say it). I want it to not bother me. But it still does sometimes.

People are in disbelief. “No one has standards these days”, they say.

But that does not mean that as a believer, I should just say, “oh well everyone else is doing it so…..” like it doesn’t matter. People may not understand it, but actually, they don’t need to. They just need to respect it. If your friends can’t respect your boundaries, get some new friends.

We are all broken people. I am broken, and so are you. We all have pasts…. pasts that have hurt us, and hurt others. But there is grace from God. As believers, we can repent and ask for forgiveness and have the slate wiped clean. Jesus is not holding your past against you. So it doesn’t matter what happened in the past, if you are holding yourself to a higher standard now….. that is what is important.

This is something that can be hard for me to believe at times. I can’t always believe that God isn’t judging me for my past mistakes and reminding me of all of the times I’ve messed up. It seems too good to be true for Him to forgive me and just let it go.

I feel like most dating articles/books are about manipulating: manipulating other people and manipulating situations in order to get what you want (whatever that may be). Is this really the way to an honest, healthy relationship?

We are told that as believers we are not “of this world”. There should be something different about believers. That’s something that I have struggled with myself. I am a believer, but sometimes I wonder if people who meet me, or know me from work, can see a difference between me and a nonbeliever. Or are we both just “nice”? We can all be nice, even moral, people when we want to be.

How do I, as a believer, show Jesus’ love to others? How am I showing others that He has made a difference in my life? Or am I too wrapped up in my own struggles to focus on anyone else? I think a big part of it is telling our own stories to others. This is something that I have gotten better at, but still makes me anxious. Dating makes all of this stuff even more difficult… it seems to have gotten more and more complicated over time:

  • Who is supposed to pay? (I would say that the guy should normally pay for the first date, but I tend to be old fashioned about that)
  • Is it better to be friends first or not – (there seems to be a huge difference of opinion on this)

This is what I’m thinking on tonight. I don’t feel well, and I’m drinking tea and laying on the couch. It’s one of those times that I think: it would be so nice to have someone here with me, taking care of me. Someone who will run to the store and get ginger ale or soup, or more Nyquil. The little things that help you get through the night (when you can’t talk or breathe out of your nose). Hopefully someday I’ll find someone who wants to take care of me when I’m sick, because I know I’m pretty awesome at taking care of others when they need it.

I’m sure that God has this whole thing planned out, but sometimes (especially now, when I’m single, and lonely) that I just want to say to Him “WHAT IS THE HOLD UP?!” because I don’t get it. I’m getting older and I’m afraid that I’m running out of time. I’m pretty sure that is a lie from Satan and I’m not THAT OLD AT ALL and need to just relax. Of course that is easier said than done.

I’ll keep working on it.

The Break-In: Part 2

We found out who did it.

I’m saddened to say it was two high-school girls.

I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. A 15 yr. old, and a 17 yr. old…. cousins.

Temporarily boarded up
Temporarily boarded up

The older girl has multiple felony breaking and entering charges on her rap sheet already. She was supposed to be in court the day after she broke in to our home for previous charges. The detective on our case stated that she would likely be going to jail because of her priors. He also said that they did not show remorse, or seem sorry at all. He said that they looked at him like, “Why is this old white guy trying to tell us what to do?” (the girls are Hispanic). The detective said that their parents didn’t speak much English, and that made me even more angry – because I have a lot of Hispanics at work that don’t speak a lot of English, and if I think about their children pulling that crap….. to think that they are working their tails off to give their kids better opportunities, and they just throw it  away like that?! That makes me mad.

We got most of our stuff back. I’m still freaked out about it though. I now think, “What if someone breaks in and I’m home???”

I wonder how I would react to a situation like that, and the answers I come up with generally don’t leave me feeling any better about it.

The sense of violation and fear that is with me at times is the worst part of the experience.

I’ve been looking into taking some self-defense classes, as well as gun safety classes. I think that I would feel safer if I had a gun in the house. My ex-boyfriend had a gun in his home and I knew how to shoot it. Obviously you hope you never have to use it, but I felt safer knowing it was there just in case.

I’m not trying to be political about gun rights or anything like that, I’m just saying that I can see now why I would want one.

I feel like I’m over-reacting about the whole thing

I can’t decide if I’m over-reacting

I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to still be freaked out about it.

I’m still angry. My roommate seems to be much less angry than me. When the detective said the 17 yr. old would probably be going to jail, she lamented that it would just “continue the system” and not solve anything. I think she deserves it.

This is not a good, Christian-like response to this and I’m aware of that. But I’m also going to be honest with God about how I do feel and not try to pretend like I’m not angry.

God can handle my questions and my frustrations.

At least it seems like they didn’t get to do any damage to the laptop or that they were even able to crack my password. That is a blessing. My Adobe Creative Suite Software is still on there as well. These are things to be thankful for. I need to try and focus on the good. Especially when I’m feeling like I’m starting to feel depressed and overwhelmed about life. It can be easy for me to fall into that hole.

There have been some other things that contributed to my feeling completely overwhelmed last week. Community Group at church has been a little frustrating lately.

Do you ever feel like you are in high school again?

I’ve been feeling excluded with a group of people and it brings me right back to middle school and high school. It’s been feeling very “clique-y” and it’s exhausting. In this situation, I obviously am not part of the “cool” group and it is hurtful.

I do not believe that these people are doing this on purpose, they may not even be aware of it. But I do know that it’s something I’ve felt before and it seems that I’m realizing that maybe I’m not meant to be really good friends with these people. Maybe they’re just people I will see once a week at community group and that’s okay.

I think I want so badly to have the kind of friends I have back home here – and that leads to me feeling frustrated because it just hasn’t happened. When I cry, when I am having a melt-down, I have people I can call…. But none of them are here, in NC. They are all in Michigan. Which is fine, they are still there for me, as much as they can be.

But sometimes it would be nice to have someone here that can come and sit with me, or talk me through whatever is going on, or someone who would say, “I’ll be right over, we’ll watch Gilmore Girls and drink wine.” Or whatever. Sometimes you just need someone to sit with you, and not be alone.

I suppose it gets harder the older you get, to make friends like that. My best friend from high school, we’ll call her “M”, has known me for over 12 years now. Of course she knows me better than anyone here! She probably knows me better than even my parents. Time is something you can’t compete with. But I definitely feel like I put in a lot of effort with my friends here, and sometimes you just don’t get the effort back on the other end. Sometimes you have to realize that it’s just not going to work, even when you want it to (in friendships as well as romantic relationships, but that’s an entirely different post).

Does it make me a bad Christian to let some of these relationships fall away? Is that me having good boundaries or is it me being too harsh?

It’s hard for me to tell sometimes.

Break In

Yesterday our home was broken into.

Back Door

My roommate called me at 5:15pm and said the back door (glass) was broken and she was calling the police. I was still at work, so I headed home. I felt frozen with fear.

I still feel afraid.

The place was a mess. They went through everything. They stole electronics and jewelry. Jewelry that had been gifts…. the earrings my mother got me for my birthday, my nice watch….

I feel so utterly violated, and I wasn’t even there when it happened.

The police came out and did a report, and then the processing team came and took pictures and even fingerprints (I was surprised they did all of that). We talked to the neighbors but no one had heard anything. We live in a townhouse connected to two other places. Our neighbor was home from noon until 5:30pm and never heard anything.

I’m so angry I don’t even know what to do….

I can’t believe that people do this- take your stuff, damage your home, and then go and try to sell it somewhere. The laptop they stole had been a gift from a friend, since I didn’t have one and have been job hunting. It had my Adobe software on it…… along with my resumes and cover letters. I have all of that stuff on a flash drive, but it’s just infuriating.

I thought we lived in a safe area. Now I’m not so sure.

I have never been more aware of the fact that I am a single woman in her 20’s. I have been thinking that I should go and take a self defense class, or get better with a gun. I don’t own a gun currently, but I know how to shoot. I am totally freaked out about what would happen if someone broke in and I was home…. This might be the instance that propels me to take action.

I never want to feel this way again.

Praying that the Holy Spirit would give me a sense of peace and safety today.