Musings on Change, the Holy Spirit, and Inspiration on the Web

THIS:

“Going back to the old isn’t the answer” -Kacie

Source: I Don’t Want To Be Whatever I Want To Be

I love it when I read something, and it makes me say, “finally, someone who understands what I’m feeling right now.”

It means I am not alone.

A lot of the time lately, I feel completely alone.

There are a lot of things changing for me, and I’m mourning the end of a season in my life.

They say you have to grieve.

Grieving sucks.

I remember a time, when I believe the Holy Spirit was with me. WITH ME. As in, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, and it gave me this feeling…. of the uttermost peace. Peace like I have never felt before.

You may think that I am crazy, or that I was just on drugs (I wasn’t). Or that maybe I’m just mentally unstable, to feel something vague like a “presence” of the “Holy Spirit”.

You may think one, or all, of these things. But the truth is, I don’t really care what you think.

I would, however, in my current time of turmoil, very much like to feel that presence in my life again.

It seems that the more I try to get back to that place, that feeling, the more elusive it becomes. Sometimes I wonder if I imagined the entire thing. (Now, you say, obviously she is crazy).

At that time in my life, I was going through some difficult things. I had just broken up with my college boyfriend, who I had dated for three years. It came down to the question, are we going to get married? I had come back to God, and was going back to church, and he was not interested in that. I realized that I couldn’t marry him, and that was the beginning of the end of that. Even though I was terrified, and he was my best friend, I knew I was doing the right thing.

Now, I have one of my best friends moving to the Midwest, and I am grieving that. I have this feeling of abandonment, even though I know that’s not really what’s happening. I also feel selfish for feeling that way, when I know it has been hard for her to give up her life here for something totally different.

I am giving up the idea that I may ever have a job that I enjoy, and will be able to support myself (because, you know, why don’t I just get married already?) (a suggestion from people at work).

I question whether or not God has a plan for me that involves anything other than pain. Because that is what I’m dealing with now. I have been looking for another job for almost 8 months now, and it just doesn’t seem to be happening for me.

I am grieving the person that I thought I was, because I’m not where I thought I would be by now.

I went to get my Christmas decorations from my ex’s house (they were in his attic). It made me sad to think that we had made all of these plans together, and that none of it worked out that way. I grieve the loss of that friendship, and the companionship I had with him.

Just lots of sadness. And lots of crying. I’m a crier. I have always been a crier. Whenever I have any strong emotion (even anger) I cry. The friend that’s moving likes to remind me, “tears are healing for the soul.” It’s a good thing to remember in a society that hates tears and showing emotion, especially women who show emotion.

Plans seldom work out the way we think that they will. God probably is up there just giggling at how we think we are in control, when in reality none of us have much control over anything.

I keep wanting to get back to that place, where I felt comfort, and peace.

I can’t seem to get there.

It’s the most frustrating thing.

It seems like God is just out of reach, always another arm’s length away from me.

 

 

Spiraling

I almost quit my job this week.

Have you ever had a day, or even a moment, where you have thought to yourself, “I just can’t do this anymore.” Or how about, “I deserve to be treated better than this.”

Or my favorite, “I didn’t go to college so I could do THIS.”

Lately, I feel completely hopeless in my job hunt. Last time I was looking for a job, I was in Michigan (which had crazy high unemployment going on) and it took me an entire year. In the meantime, I’m lucky I had a job (a job that crushed my soul, but paid the bills)…..

I feel it coming back. The soul crushing.

When someone in upper management grabs your braid, pulls on it as he walks by, and says, “Hey baby”, it’s not okay.

I don’t care what industry you’re in, or how old he is, or even if he doesn’t mean to be creepy when he says it.

It’s still not okay.

The fact that this is a daily occurrence in my life, makes me want to cringe, and hit something, and cry….. and drop some expletives all at the same time.

I work in a culture where women are treated differently all of the time. They moved me from an office, to another office, to a smaller office, to a cubicle. I have boxes of files piled up around me, and the fact that I do stuff with payroll and employee files does not seem to matter because a man needs that office and I am a woman. I didn’t think the move would feel….. so insulting. But it did, and it still does. It’s just one of the many straws that have been piling up.

I’m a woman, in a place where women are dispensable. I know that they do this: they hire someone who works there for years, and then when she makes a certain salary, they “eliminate the position” and then hire someone with no experience so they can hire them at $12.00/hr. There is no loyalty, no consideration, and no care if you are a woman.

These are the times that I miss the Midwest.

I also know that if I said anything, it would not make a difference. Because he is untouchable, and a person of great power within the company. I know because it is this culture of sexism that is pervasive, and encouraged by the people at the top. They do not believe there is anything wrong with this thinking, and it will never change.

I could not even tell you the numerous inappropriate things I hear regularly. There are so many I can’t even count them all.

One time, I wore red lipstick to work, and that was a horrible mistake (cue bad jokes about oral sex and candy canes). I have not worn it since.

I am trying to remember to be grateful: I live in America, where I have the right to drive, and vote, and have a job.

Sometimes it’s hard to be grateful.

If I were a man, I would be making at least $5k more a year for doing the same job.

I’ve had people at work tell me I should, “just get married.”

As if it were that easy. As if I do not wish that I could find a Godly-driven man to love me in my brokenness, and me in his…. as if I do not pray to find a partner in life…. these are things I want.

God knows the desires of my heart. I dated a man here for over 2 years. I thought we were going to be married, start a family, etc….. It didn’t work out. I grieved this loss deeply. I grieved the fact that I no longer had a future with this man, whom I loved.

Some days I feel I am still grieving.

Life is complicated. The older I get, the easier it is to see that nothing is easy. Counting on God and trusting Him gets harder and harder when you don’t see what His plan is.

When you don’t understand the plan it is hard to see past the pain.

With all of the terrorism and horrible things that are happening in our world currently, I feel it is even more important to cling to God.

Consequently, I feel it is becoming more difficult to cling to Him when I’m so frustrated and angry about His plan for my life.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you”

                                                                                        –Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

In the meantime, all I can do is keep applying for other jobs, and keep taking it one day at a time. I don’t know why God is not allowing any other doors to open for me right now. I’m angry, and annoyed, and sure that He could get me another job tomorrow if He wanted to. And there’s the crux: if He wanted to. How do I know….. how can I understand, what His plan is? I can’t at all and it’s infuriating. It’s making me question that He loves me. It’s making me question everything.

Prayers are appreciated as I try to hold onto the good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Break-In: Part 2

We found out who did it.

I’m saddened to say it was two high-school girls.

I couldn’t believe it. I still can’t believe it. A 15 yr. old, and a 17 yr. old…. cousins.

Temporarily boarded up
Temporarily boarded up

The older girl has multiple felony breaking and entering charges on her rap sheet already. She was supposed to be in court the day after she broke in to our home for previous charges. The detective on our case stated that she would likely be going to jail because of her priors. He also said that they did not show remorse, or seem sorry at all. He said that they looked at him like, “Why is this old white guy trying to tell us what to do?” (the girls are Hispanic). The detective said that their parents didn’t speak much English, and that made me even more angry – because I have a lot of Hispanics at work that don’t speak a lot of English, and if I think about their children pulling that crap….. to think that they are working their tails off to give their kids better opportunities, and they just throw it  away like that?! That makes me mad.

We got most of our stuff back. I’m still freaked out about it though. I now think, “What if someone breaks in and I’m home???”

I wonder how I would react to a situation like that, and the answers I come up with generally don’t leave me feeling any better about it.

The sense of violation and fear that is with me at times is the worst part of the experience.

I’ve been looking into taking some self-defense classes, as well as gun safety classes. I think that I would feel safer if I had a gun in the house. My ex-boyfriend had a gun in his home and I knew how to shoot it. Obviously you hope you never have to use it, but I felt safer knowing it was there just in case.

I’m not trying to be political about gun rights or anything like that, I’m just saying that I can see now why I would want one.

I feel like I’m over-reacting about the whole thing

I can’t decide if I’m over-reacting

I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to still be freaked out about it.

I’m still angry. My roommate seems to be much less angry than me. When the detective said the 17 yr. old would probably be going to jail, she lamented that it would just “continue the system” and not solve anything. I think she deserves it.

This is not a good, Christian-like response to this and I’m aware of that. But I’m also going to be honest with God about how I do feel and not try to pretend like I’m not angry.

God can handle my questions and my frustrations.

At least it seems like they didn’t get to do any damage to the laptop or that they were even able to crack my password. That is a blessing. My Adobe Creative Suite Software is still on there as well. These are things to be thankful for. I need to try and focus on the good. Especially when I’m feeling like I’m starting to feel depressed and overwhelmed about life. It can be easy for me to fall into that hole.


There have been some other things that contributed to my feeling completely overwhelmed last week. Community Group at church has been a little frustrating lately.

Do you ever feel like you are in high school again?

I’ve been feeling excluded with a group of people and it brings me right back to middle school and high school. It’s been feeling very “clique-y” and it’s exhausting. In this situation, I obviously am not part of the “cool” group and it is hurtful.

I do not believe that these people are doing this on purpose, they may not even be aware of it. But I do know that it’s something I’ve felt before and it seems that I’m realizing that maybe I’m not meant to be really good friends with these people. Maybe they’re just people I will see once a week at community group and that’s okay.

I think I want so badly to have the kind of friends I have back home here – and that leads to me feeling frustrated because it just hasn’t happened. When I cry, when I am having a melt-down, I have people I can call…. But none of them are here, in NC. They are all in Michigan. Which is fine, they are still there for me, as much as they can be.

But sometimes it would be nice to have someone here that can come and sit with me, or talk me through whatever is going on, or someone who would say, “I’ll be right over, we’ll watch Gilmore Girls and drink wine.” Or whatever. Sometimes you just need someone to sit with you, and not be alone.

I suppose it gets harder the older you get, to make friends like that. My best friend from high school, we’ll call her “M”, has known me for over 12 years now. Of course she knows me better than anyone here! She probably knows me better than even my parents. Time is something you can’t compete with. But I definitely feel like I put in a lot of effort with my friends here, and sometimes you just don’t get the effort back on the other end. Sometimes you have to realize that it’s just not going to work, even when you want it to (in friendships as well as romantic relationships, but that’s an entirely different post).

Does it make me a bad Christian to let some of these relationships fall away? Is that me having good boundaries or is it me being too harsh?

It’s hard for me to tell sometimes.