Spiraling

I almost quit my job this week.

Have you ever had a day, or even a moment, where you have thought to yourself, “I just can’t do this anymore.” Or how about, “I deserve to be treated better than this.”

Or my favorite, “I didn’t go to college so I could do THIS.”

Lately, I feel completely hopeless in my job hunt. Last time I was looking for a job, I was in Michigan (which had crazy high unemployment going on) and it took me an entire year. In the meantime, I’m lucky I had a job (a job that crushed my soul, but paid the bills)…..

I feel it coming back. The soul crushing.

When someone in upper management grabs your braid, pulls on it as he walks by, and says, “Hey baby”, it’s not okay.

I don’t care what industry you’re in, or how old he is, or even if he doesn’t mean to be creepy when he says it.

It’s still not okay.

The fact that this is a daily occurrence in my life, makes me want to cringe, and hit something, and cry….. and drop some expletives all at the same time.

I work in a culture where women are treated differently all of the time. They moved me from an office, to another office, to a smaller office, to a cubicle. I have boxes of files piled up around me, and the fact that I do stuff with payroll and employee files does not seem to matter because a man needs that office and I am a woman. I didn’t think the move would feel….. so insulting. But it did, and it still does. It’s just one of the many straws that have been piling up.

I’m a woman, in a place where women are dispensable. I know that they do this: they hire someone who works there for years, and then when she makes a certain salary, they “eliminate the position” and then hire someone with no experience so they can hire them at $12.00/hr. There is no loyalty, no consideration, and no care if you are a woman.

These are the times that I miss the Midwest.

I also know that if I said anything, it would not make a difference. Because he is untouchable, and a person of great power within the company. I know because it is this culture of sexism that is pervasive, and encouraged by the people at the top. They do not believe there is anything wrong with this thinking, and it will never change.

I could not even tell you the numerous inappropriate things I hear regularly. There are so many I can’t even count them all.

One time, I wore red lipstick to work, and that was a horrible mistake (cue bad jokes about oral sex and candy canes). I have not worn it since.

I am trying to remember to be grateful: I live in America, where I have the right to drive, and vote, and have a job.

Sometimes it’s hard to be grateful.

If I were a man, I would be making at least $5k more a year for doing the same job.

I’ve had people at work tell me I should, “just get married.”

As if it were that easy. As if I do not wish that I could find a Godly-driven man to love me in my brokenness, and me in his…. as if I do not pray to find a partner in life…. these are things I want.

God knows the desires of my heart. I dated a man here for over 2 years. I thought we were going to be married, start a family, etc….. It didn’t work out. I grieved this loss deeply. I grieved the fact that I no longer had a future with this man, whom I loved.

Some days I feel I am still grieving.

Life is complicated. The older I get, the easier it is to see that nothing is easy. Counting on God and trusting Him gets harder and harder when you don’t see what His plan is.

When you don’t understand the plan it is hard to see past the pain.

With all of the terrorism and horrible things that are happening in our world currently, I feel it is even more important to cling to God.

Consequently, I feel it is becoming more difficult to cling to Him when I’m so frustrated and angry about His plan for my life.

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you”

                                                                                        –Isaiah 43:2 (NLT)

In the meantime, all I can do is keep applying for other jobs, and keep taking it one day at a time. I don’t know why God is not allowing any other doors to open for me right now. I’m angry, and annoyed, and sure that He could get me another job tomorrow if He wanted to. And there’s the crux: if He wanted to. How do I know….. how can I understand, what His plan is? I can’t at all and it’s infuriating. It’s making me question that He loves me. It’s making me question everything.

Prayers are appreciated as I try to hold onto the good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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